This handout is a beautiful application of the Thermostat vs. Thermometer metaphor—a concept widely used in leadership and therapy, famously referenced by Landreth & Bratton (2005), to explain the mechanics of emotional regulation.
Below is a write-up for your website that highlights how this tool helps people move from reactive “checking” to proactive co-regulation.
Be a Thermostat, Not a Thermometer: The Art of Co-Regulation
In any relationship—whether you are a parent, an educator, or a partner—you have a choice in how you respond to the “emotional temperature” of the room. This handout is designed to help you master the shift from being a thermometer to becoming a thermostat.
Understanding the Metaphor
- The Thermometer (Reactive): A thermometer’s only job is to reflect the environment. If the room gets hot, the thermometer gets hot. When we act like thermometers, we let a child’s tantrum or a colleague’s stress dictate our own emotional state. We become a “reflection” of the chaos.
- The Thermostat (Regulating): A thermostat is proactive. It senses the temperature but acts to change it back to a desired “set point.” When you act like a thermostat, you remain grounded and calm, even when those around you are overheating.
The Power of Co-Regulation
This tool is a practical guide to co-regulation. Humans are social creatures; our nervous systems “talk” to one another. When a child is upset, they cannot always calm themselves down alone—they need to “borrow” your calm.
By choosing to be the thermostat, you provide the steady emotional baseline that allows others to settle. You aren’t just ignoring the heat; you are actively bringing the temperature back to a place of safety and connection.
How to Use This Handout
- Identify Your Set Point: Use the “My job is to…” section to define your goal in high-stress moments (e.g., “My job is to be the calm in the storm”).
- Affirm Your Role: Write a Daily Affirmation that anchors you. When you feel the “heat” rising, this phrase becomes your mental reset button.
- Place Your Reminders: Page 2 includes Thermostat Stickers. Cut these out and place them where you need them most—your phone, car dashboard, or computer monitor. These are private visual cues to remind you: Set the temperature; don’t just record it.